I thought about him again today. It woke me up out of my sleep, and now I can’t get it off my mind. It is a strange feeling to still care so deeply about someone you have not been near for oh so long. The relationship ended, whatever it was, the hurt, the anger, the passion, all of those emotions I felt so strongly, have been properly processed and pushed to the side. And yet, he is on my mind. I find myself praying that he is okay, that he will find his way, that he will too be able to process those emotions, heal from the wounds that have cut so deep and move forward. When I see him, it hurts.. Not in a I am still hurt kind of way, but much like in the way it hurts to see a child fall, or a friend with a broken heart or a parent or friend greiving. It hurts because he is so wounded. The pain in his face, the look of panic/sadness, and then the layers of protection he has put over his heart. I hurt for him. I thank God that I am okay, that as much pain and hurt that our damaged then demolished relationship caused, I was able to pick up the pieces of my heart and get them to emergency where after several weeks of surgery and now months of healing has produced a fragile, yet healing, beating heart. I pray that he will get there, I pray that he is getting there. It is like that Lauryn Hill song, I used to love him.. When I see him sometimes the look in his eyes, is one of a man who’s lost treasures untold. He is so lost, and all I want to do is help him. But instead, I pray, and trust that just like God found and restored me, he will do the same for him.

This blessed me this morning ya’ll.  It is funny because this is actually from about 3 years ago, but it is amazing how RIGHT NOW in this season of my life it applies as much if not more than it did back then.  Talk about a fresh start!

Well I went in to make coffee (as I do every morning)  I started the coffee brewing and then went and sat down to start work.  Not even 10 minutes later something told me to get up and go and check on the coffee.  To my surprise, when I went in the kitchen, the coffee pot was boiling over and there was ground coffee spilling out the sides….  This happened b/c when putting the pot back in the coffee maker I did not put it in all of the way, so the coffee had no where to go so it backfired.  At first I was frustrated and immediately said “UH is this how this day is gonna be!!  “  But that is when God started speaking to me!  It was SOOO CRAZY.  The first thing he said was clean it up and start again.  As I began to clean up the mess God continued to teach.  First he said.. Today is the day that we redo what we did not do right the first time.  He pointed out that making the coffee is a lot like my life and the things that God is trying to do.  When you make coffee all you have to do is possess the ingredients, put them in the maker, place the pot in POSITION and wait… the machine will do the rest!  It is like the coffee ingredianets are the inate things in us that we already posess, our strengths, talents, etc.  The pot represents your self, in this case Me.  and the Maker of course is God.  It is like, you can posess all of the ingredients, but if aren’t in position, even when the Maker/God tries to create something there is no where for it to go and you end up with a mess. It was also interesting to me that God pointed out to me the hole at the top of the coffee pot… there is an exact position that the pot must be in in order for the coffee to go through, it cannot be to far left, to far right or to far back… What is most interesting to me is that God seemed to show me that my problem was not going left or right of the correct position, but not putting the pot all the way in.. as if to say I have still not fully committed myself to the position he is trying to place me in!  THAT BLEW MY MIND!!!  The funny thing is that I got in the room in time to clean up the mess, start again and still have coffee before anyone noticed the difference…  It’s like God was giving me the heads up, and then showing me how to clean it up and start fresh the right way.  I don’t know, it is funny, b/c when the guys came in today they saw nothing of the mess that was made the first time around, all they saw was the end result.  A BOMB cup of coffee!!  LOL  I heard God telling me that when he does this thing for real, it will not matter about the first go round / the mess or the false starts..  All people will see and all that matters is the end result, an untainted, BOMB DESTINY!!

Today was the first official day of our fast and the topic, amazingly enough is Identity/Wholeness - Dependency on God — Being Made Complete.

It is now becoming even more clear to me, just how important this season is because God continues to confirm it through His word.  My devotionals today both followed the same pattern.

Purpose Driven Life (Day 2) - I am not an accident
Daily Devotional -

So both of my devotions dealt with Identity today.  AMAZING.  The first talked of how God created the earth perfectly so that we could survive and thrive on it.  How each of us were created on purpose and for a purpose.  Whether or not you were planned by your parents, God planned you. Before we were in the womb, He knew and predestined us. 

 It is funny because I was actually having this conversation with a friend of mine last week.  She was in a funk and was beginning to feel as if God had given up on her.  This lead further down an ugly path when she said she felt as if she were a mistake, and that some people were never meant to be brought into the world.  That she was unplanned, and unloved and basically it was because her parents made a mistake. 

Immediately my mind started realing and praying for God to give me the scriptures, the words to say to her to let her know that she is NOT a mistake, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that He has a purpose for everything including her.  That the same God that made the heavens and the earth, who arose from the dead, who healed the sick, turned water into wine, empregnated a virgin, could have stopped her from being here if she was not His intent.  That good old list of scriptures I had been collecting came in handy.  I reminded her that she is the light of the world, the salt of the earth, a royal preisthood.  That God knows that thoughts that he things towards her, to do her Good and not Harm. 

Today I am saying these very same scriptures to myself.  No matter how deep you are, we all fall.  No matter how much word you know, the devil has a special nact for getting you alone, and helping you forget, who you are and WHOSE you are.  So I say this, my goal not just for today, but for everyday from here on out, and especially those days that the chips are not stacked my way, I will remind myself of these things:

1. I am a friend of God (John 15:15)
2. I am God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)
3. I am predestined and have obtained an inheritance (Ephesians 1:11)
4. I am annointed (2 Corinthians 1:22)
5. I am the Fragrance of God (2 Corinthians 2:15)
6. I am the salt of the Earth (Mathew 5:13)
7. I am the light of the World (Mathew 5:14)
8. I am a special treasure (Exodus 19:15)
9. I am a chosen generation and a royal priesthood. (1 Peter 2:9)
10. I have been adopted by God (Ephesians 1:5-6)
11. I have been justified (Romans 5:1)
12. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19)
13. I am protected (1 John 5:18)
14. I am redeemed (Isaiah 43:1)

Yesterday was the 2nd day of the month and God followed suit with the first day in how he spoke.  It is amazing to me that all you have to do is ask God to speak revelation to you and he will do it. I decided that along with doing my daily devotional that I would begin also reading the Purpose Driven life by Rick Warren.  A friend of mine started reading it a while back ago and he said it helped him out, so I thought that now would be the opportune time to use that as another resource for God to speak through. 

Purpose Driven Life (Day 1 of Book) - It’s About God
Daily Devotional - Where your Heart is

So both of my devotional’s pointed at the same topic yesterday, lining up your motives.  I realized after reading them, that I all to quickly go to God for breakthrough for myself, and the people that I care about, but I can’t say that my motives are always 100% selfless.  Most of the time, the breakthroughs that I seek, while not outside of the Will of God, will somehow some way touch my life directly.  It is so easy to get caught up in seeking God for things, that I tend to get wrapped up in my own personal agenda.  What is God doing for me?  Will God bless my purpose? What do I want to do with my life?  What the word reminded me yesterday was that we are called to be living sacrifices.  It is not about what we want at all.  It is all about the Glory of God.  I might be a great singer, but if that is not what God has called me to do to fullfill HIS purpose on earth then I am just talented.  I think that is the difference between talent and annointing.  When you are annointed to do something, God doesn’t annoint you for your own personal gain (although that is most often a byproduct).  He does it so that you can live out HIS purpose on earth, to bring Glory to His name. 

Speaking for myself only, I know that I tend to get caught up in I.  I want, I deserve, I need, I hurt, I did.  I forget that the only I that matters is the I-is ness of God.  He is the Alpha and Omega, The beginning and the End, the First and the Last.  He has promised that if we delight ourselves in Him he will give us the desires of our hearts.  My thought is, the more we delight ourselves in him, the more that our desires line up with His, the easier it is for Him to give us our desires, and the whole lovely cycle starts over..    It is pretty easy to delight ourselves in such a wonderful God.  The trick is not being conformed to the world in which we live, and learning to kill oru flesh daily.  God gives us a quick way to start to get there in Phillipeans 4:8.  He says “Whatsoever things are true.. noble.. just.. pure.. lovely.. of good report.. theris is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things.”

Before we go to Him, we need to check our priorities, and ask the question, is whatever I am seeking Him for, whatever I desire, for His Glory or my own.  If it is the latter, I suggest going back, re-working, and trying again.  I know I am going to.

Sunday - March 1, 2009
My Daily Devotional - I have a Limp (Feb 29th — but only 28 days so it was the next devotional)
Sunday  Sermon - Testimony from the Tombs
Family Night - God and me (Scripture SAME as I have a Limp)

This was so amazing to me because both the family night sermon and my daily devotional were the exact same scripture Genesis 32:24-30. It talked about God pressing pause on our situations/blessings/lives in order to get our attention and keep it focused on Him.  It talked also about God giving a limp in order to keep us dependent on Him rather then ourselves.   Also it talked of the limp slowing us down so that we do not get ahead of God. 

This message spoke volumes to me in reference to my current situation.  Ofthen times I get so ahead of what God is trying to do in my life that I forget what and where my focus should be.  When God gives revelation, sometimes we just have to take it day by day, continue to walk and just let him work it out in front of us.  God does not give us revelation because he needs our help.  He gives us revelation so that when He produces what He says He is going to produce, we can be amazed see His Glory.  We can then go out and share that testimony with someone else so that they too can be blessed and believe.  It is not about us, which is what I think I tend to forget.  It is about His Glory, His Plan, the bigger picture. Anytime we get ahead of God, we end up wrestling. 

But the part that I like the most is that God changed His name.  For all that we can say about Jacob, he was a survivor, he was resourceful but yet, he was a trickster, a heal catcher, and a runner.  When he wrestled with God, Jacob took on a battle he knew he could not win, and YET he did not give up until it blessed him.  And because of this, God changed his name, He changed his name from Trickster to Isreal, he went from being a heal chaser, to one that is governed by God.  

He went away brand new, blessed, annointed and dependent on God.  What can be better than that?

So today starts the fast for the month of March that we are focusing on 5 very important topics. 

1.  Wholeness/Identity - Dependency on God -Being Made Complete.
2. Purpose/Call and Assignment
3. Order - Finances/Household/Relationships
4. Breakthrough/Deliverance/Praise - Make your Requests known
5. Revelation - the next steps

It is amazing to me, because in the last 3 days, God has been confirming that we are on the right path with this.  I am so ready for a breakthrough, I truly do feel like Jacob when he was wrestling with God.  I think leading up to this month I went through a lot of tearing down, rebuilding, and refocusing.  This has led to a tremendous amount of self evaluation, seeking God, and growing in the word.  I didn’t always do it by choice, but I am in a pretty good place.  Just so that I have a record on how God is moving I am going to keep record of the 31 days of March.  Because I KNOW God is moving and I want to be able to share with everyone on exactly how..

You know being a freelancer there are always some things that I would love to say to my clients but know that I can’t.. Leave it to Senator Ford to sum them all up in one notorious clip on YouTube.  Anyone that deals with clients on a daily basis knows that they would love to say things like.. SIR!  What you are saying is just DUMMMM. With out the fear of getting dropped.  Wouldn’t it be nice if you could tell the clients that regularly DON’T listen that they “Need to Get with the Proffessional Associations they need to get with instead of what they are talkin about that don’t make no sense!” LOL  Anyway, if you haven’t taken the time to watch the clip, YOU SHOULD.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hr65cTyxxkk

Because today is the first day of the year,  I thought that it would be a great time to do my first ever post!  The theme for this year/Vision of the House for my church is Delivery Time in 2009.  I have been talking about doing a blog for YEARS so apparently this is the first of many things I will deliver in 2009.

I don’t know that I am what you would call a blogger.  I am just twenty something fun loving, kind of random, brown girl, trying to navigate her way through life’s sometimes crazy, sometimes challenging, but always purposeful path.  So here goes nothing.  Let the blogging begin!